The Best Diet Ever

I'm hungry. About 8' from my office door sits the above cake but I won't eat it... not even a small bite. Why? Because I've discovered the Best Diet Ever.

Unfortunately for my expanding wasteline, the communal food table in my department sits right outside of my door. There is almost always some sort of food on it, and rarely is it something healthy. I have to pass it everytime I step out of my office and it's way too easy to just grab "a" bite.

So, back to the Best Diet Ever: Why won't I eat that cake? Because when it was presented for my coworker's birthday party on Friday it came complete with lit candles. When she blew out said candles I saw a spray of spittle fly out of her mouth and onto the cake. Now, it didn't hit all of the cake, just about a quarter of it on the opposite side of where she was sitting. However, I have no idea if what remains is the spit covered side, or if my coworkers have already eaten that part. So, I won't be taking that risk.

So, I guess I'll name the Best Diet Ever the "Gross-Out Diet". I think I can apply this grossness to just about all of the communal food, from what's on the table, to the bowls of Peanut M&Ms on the secretary's desk. If not spat upon, that food has at least been fondled by at least half of my coworkers... plus they've probably sneezed and/or shed on the food that they haven't fondled... ewww, gross... and so I shall remain hungry, but perhaps a little thinner... well ok, a little less fat...